1.  RULES OF COMMUNICATION

1. Actions speak louder than words
2. Define what is important and stress it; Define what is unimportant and ignore it
3. Make your communication positive
4. Be clear and specific
5. Be realistic and reasonable
6. Test all your assumptions verbally
7. Recognize that each event can be seen from different points of view
8. Recognize that your family members are experts on you and your behavior
9. Do not allow discussions to turn into destructive arguments
10. Be open and honest about your feelings
11. Do not use unfair communication techniques
12. Let the effect, not the intention, of your communication be your guide
13. Accept all feelings and try to understand them
14. Be tactful, considerate, and courteous
15. Do not preach or lecture
16. Do not use excuses and do not fall for excuses
17. Do not nag, yell or whine
18. Learn when to use humor and when to be serious
19. Learn to listen
20. Beware of playing destructive games

LISTENING AND RESPONDING STYLES

This exercise is based on the work of Carl Rogers, a noted psychologist. Several years he conducted a series of studies on how individuals communicated with each other in face-to-face situations. He found that categories of evaluative, interpretative, supportive, probing, and understanding statements encompass 80% of all the messages sent between individuals. The other 20% of the statements are incidental and of no real importance. From his observations of the individuals in all sorts of different settings, such as business men, housewives, parties, conventions, and so on, he found that the responses were used by individuals with the following frequency: 1) evaluative was most used, 2) interpretive was next, 3) supportive was the third most common response, 4) probing the fourth and 5) understanding the least. Finally, he found that if a person uses one category of response as much as 40% of the time, then other people see him as always responding that way. This is a process of oversimplification similar to stereotyping.

The categories of response are in themselves neither good nor bad. It is the overuse or underuse of any of the categories that may not be functional, or the failure to recognize when each type of response is appropriate, that interferes with helping the sender in building a better relationship.

1.  Evaluating:  judging negatively, disapproving, blaming, name calling, criticizing ("You are bad," "You are not thinking straight," " You are acting foolishly," "Your hair is too long")

2.  Supporting:  reassuring, excusing, sympathizing, ("It's not so bad," "Don't worry," "You'll feel better," "That's too bad.")

3.  Interpretive:  diagnosing, psychoanalyzing, reading-in, offering insights ("What you need is...," "What's wrong with you is...," "You're just trying to get attention...," "You don't really mean it," "I know what you need," "Your problem is...")

4.  Probing:  questioning, cross examining, prying, interrogating ("why...," "who...," "where...," "what...," "how...," "when...")

5.  Understanding:  Basically, the understanding response revolves around the notion that when an individual expresses a message and that message is paraphrased in fresh words, with no change in its essential meaning, the sender will expand upon or further explore the idea, feelings, and attitudes contained in the message, achieve a recognition of previously denied meaning or feelings, or move on to express a new message that is more meaningful to him. Even when the receiver has misunderstood and communicated a faulty understanding of the senders ideas and feelings, the sender will respond in ways that will clarify the receiver's incorrect response, thus increasing the accuracy and clarity of communication between the two individuals.

It is the understanding response that is most likely to communicate to the sender that the listener is interested in the sender as a person; has an accurate understanding of the sender and of what he is saying, and is most encouraging to the sender to go on and elaborate and further explore his problem. The understanding response may be the most helpful for enabling the receiver to see the senders problem from the sender's point of view. 

2.  YOU COULD JUST LISTEN

When I ask you to listen to me and you start giving me advice, you have not done what I asked.

When I ask you to listen to me and you begin to tell me why I shouldn't feel that way, you are trampling on my feelings.

When I ask you to listen to me and you feel you have to do something to solve my problem, you have failed me, strange as that may seem.

LISTEN! LISTEN! All I asked was that you listen, not talk to me -- just hear me.

LISTEN! All I asked was that you listen, not talk to me -- just hear me.

LISTEN! All I asked was that you listen, not talk to me -- just hear me.

Back to Chapter Nine Topic Index

3.  ACTIVE LISTENING

Active listening is when you understand how the person talking to you feels about a situation and your response to that person makes him feel that you really do understand.

Concentrating first on the feelings that a person has concerning a particular experience does not mean we don not need data nor a deeper understanding of the dynamic of behavior. It merely means that for a person to feel understood, the listener must first come through with a response (verbal or nonverbal) that indicates an awareness of the feeling. To begin with questions or fact finding is to get the "cart before the horse." The facts of a situation are seldom, if ever, as important as we feel about the situation.

LEVELS OF LISTENING:

LEVEL ONE: The receiver's expressions are clearly unrelated to what the sender is feeling at the moment. The receiver tends to respond to the content of the discussion and either does not attend to the feelings being expressed or avoids them.

LEVEL TWO: While the receiver does respond to the expressed feelings of the sender, he does so in a very surface or minimal way. The sender is likely to respond, "no, that's not what I was feeling."

LEVEL THREE: The verbal or behavioral expressions of the receiver are essentially interchangeable with the sender, in that they express essentially the same affect and meaning. The sender (client, child, or parent) responds: "Right, that's how I feel!"

LEVEL FOUR: The response of the receiver adds noticeably to the expressions of the sender in such a way that he continues to explore his feelings at a deeper level.

LEVEL FIVE: The receiver responds to the sender in such a way as to add significantly to the feelings and meaning the sender is trying to express. Not only does the sender feel that you are with him, he feels you deeply understand both his feelings and behavior.

 

Back to Chapter Nine Topic Index

 

 

4.   SOME THOUGHTS ABOUT COMMUNICATION
AND ITS EFFECT ON RELATIONSHIPS

"Association with other people provides the only possible situation in which the individual can experience many aspects of the self. In order to be friendly, concerned, responsible, etc., a person must interact with someone else. One can be neither kind nor cruel in solitude. Others are needed to be recipients of actions." From THE ADJUSTED AMERICAN

COMMUNICATION

Communication takes place at two levels: The CONTENT LEVEL of heard and observable words and behavior, and the PROCESS LEVEL of feelings and meanings.

Example A

Words: "I failed the swim team."

Behavior: Sad face, head down, stooped shoulders, walking slowly, silence

Feelings: Disappointed, incompetent

Physical Reaction: Stomach in knots, tight throat, trembling

Needs: Acceptance and understanding

Example B

Words: "Isn't dinner ready yet?"

Behavior: Whining, demanding voice

Feelings: Irritable, tired

Physical Reaction: Depressed energy, stomach contractions, hunger

Needs: Food, understanding

Words + Behavior + Content = Clues to feelings and needs

5.   ROADBLOCKS TO COMMUNICATION

5.   ROADBLOCKS TO COMMUNICATION

1. DIRECTING, ORDERING, COMMANDING:

Get out of bed this minute!
You get out there and mow that lawn!
You pick up your clothes!

2. WARNING, THREATENING

You pick up your clothes or you're not going over to Mary's!
If you don't stop treating your mother that way, you won't use the car for dates!

3. MORALIZING, PREACHING:

Don't you know that eating with dirty hands can make you ill?
If you continue being tardy at school, you'll get a bad habit for life.

4. PERSUADING WITH LOGIC:

Do you realize that . . .?
The facts are . . .
What do you mean, you haven't had a good summer? Why, you've gone to the zoo twice and to...

5. PROVIDING SOLUTIONS:

Why don't you go outside and play?
It would be best if for you if . . .
Here's what you should do . . .

6. JUDGING, NEGATIVELY CRITICIZING, BLAMING:

You cleaned the kitchen and it's still a mess!
You ought to know better than that!
You started it, it's all your fault!

7. NAME CALLING, RIDICULING, SHAMING:

You're a spoiled brat!
Get in here, stupid!
You're a free-loader, that's what you are!
Shame on you!

8. PRAISING, JUDGING POSITIVELY:

You're such a good boy!
That's a very good drawing.

9. INTERPRETING, PSYCHOANALYZING:

I'll tell you what's wrong with you . . .
You're just trying to get attention . . .
You don't really mean that . . .
Your problem is . . .

10. PREMATURELY REASSURING:

Don't worry . . .
It's not as bad as you think . . .
You'll feel better soon . . .

11. QUESTION, PROBING, INTERROGATION(playing district attorney)

And where were you tonight?
Why did you do that, anyway?

12. DIVERTING, AVOIDING, DIGRESSING:

Forget it . . .
Let's not talk about that . . .
Not at the dinner table, please!

13. KIDDING, TEASING, USING SARCASM:

Get up on the wrong side of the bed?
Who made you principal of the school?
Who made you the expert?

14. COMPARING:

When I was you age . . .
Why can't you be like your older brother?

ASSERTIVENESS FORMAT

A. I feel (your feelings)
B. When you (description of other's behavior)
C. Because (your meaning)
D. And, I'd like (your desire)

Back to Chapter Nine Topic Index                           To Chapter Ten